Hello, fellow magic lovers. It is I, the Hogwarts Sorting Hat. Every year, it is my job to Sort the new students into their Hogwarts Houses. This is rather tedious work that involves being placed on the head of each new student. I’m sure you understand how unsanitary that is. Who knows where these children have been and when they washed their hair last? I’ve heard rumors of Muggles Sorting themselves into Hogwarts Houses by using quizzes on something called the internet. As I am very naturally curious and have a lot of free time, I decided that it would be a great idea to research these quizzes and see if there was a way that I could incorporate them into the Hogwarts Sorting Ceremony. After all, can the children really argue with something that the Muggle internet tells them?
The first Sorting quiz is from Wizarding World. This quiz boasts that it was previously on something called Pottermore. I’m not sure what exactly a Pottermore could be. A place where they sell pottery maybe? Unimportant. Let’s get on to the good stuff. I was asked to register with something called an email. After a bit of searching, I found out what an email was and opened an email account for myself. Once I got that all sorted (haha sorted… get it?), I signed up for an account to take this quiz which took me to something called a Wizarding Passport. Now, I’ve lived in the wizarding world for centuries, and I have never needed a Wizarding Passport before, so this was already quite interesting. I opened the quiz and started answering some of the questions. “Moon or stars?” What exactly does that tell you about where a student needs to be placed? After a series of odd questions that I don’t really think can tell you anything about where a student should be placed, I finally reached the end of the quiz. What House did I get? Slytherin. I’m not sure that I would ever Sort myself into Slytherin, but then again, I’m just a hat, so I really can’t be Sorted anywhere. I appreciate the kooky vibe this quiz is giving off, but it will never be truly accurate.
The next Sorting quiz is from something called BuzzFeed. It’s is a little less detailed than the first one, but I’ll still give it a chance. I’ll do anything for the kids. The first question asks about your wand type. Good question. The core of your wand often shows what type of temperament you have since wands choose the owners that they are the most compatible with. It then goes on to ask about what you would do in different situations. This is a good way to tell what people value more, but it is way too easy to lie and manipulate the results. I ended up lying on the whole quiz because as a hat, I do not have a wand, cannot travel, and do not have the ability to play Quidditch. The results I got here were… odd. It gave me a series of percentages for each House, the highest being 32% Gryffindor. Basically, this quiz showed me that I don’t truly fit in any of the Houses, which is true, but honestly, this whole percentages thing is a bit confusing. Students might have some characteristics that fit into other Houses, but everyone does. They can only be in one House – that’s literally the point of Sorting them. It had some logical questions, but there were also a bunch that only a handful of people could relate to.
The last quiz is from Time. Created by Cambridge University, it uses science to find the best Hogwarts House for you. This quiz lists several statements and has you choose from 1–7 whether you agree or disagree with the statement. These questions seemed very similar to what I look for in each student. The problem here is that you’re asked to rate how you feel you relate to each statement. People often think differently about themselves than others see them. I can search their heads to find out who they really are, but a Muggle quiz is forced to rely on people being truly honest about who they are, which rarely happens. With a 59.5% compatibility, I ended up being placed in Ravenclaw. I do appreciate the methodical approach that this quiz took. It listed out statements that related to your personality instead of posing random questions or asking about hypothetical situations that you might not even remotely relate to, but I doubt that everyone would answer it realistically.
So here we are, three Sorting quizzes later, and I have not found a good replacement for myself. They weren’t horrible, but none of them were very accurate. I was Sorted into a different House each time. How could that possibly be accurate? Sadly, I think I will have to continue to be placed on the heads of our new Hogwarts students. Maybe in the future, I will be able to take a year off, but that year is not this one.
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